God Work: Confessions of a Standup Theologian

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Karl Barth on Theology and Philosophy - Syndicate

Because the year-old me had the same fears as Cornish farmhouse me as right now me, differently expressed but still ultimately the same. Because while God is endlessly creative, the enemy is vomitously repetitive. Do you understand what self-deprecation means when it come from somebody who already exists in the margins? I put myself down in order to speak, in order to seek permission to speak, and I simply will not do that anymore, not to myself or anybody who identifies with me. It is a statement which resonates with me and I see it throughout so many of my female friends.

Because us women, particularly those of us in evangelical circles, we were endlessly hounded to be humble, when actually it was humiliation dressed up as a virtue.

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What both Gardner and Gadsby have in common is dismantling this socialised notion women have that they have to apologise just for existing, just for being. Both journey the formation path, their creative outputs having different destination points, but both pastoral in their own way.

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No, but seriously, how do you train for ordination? This was actually never mentioned on any vicar school open days. Second, how should I know?

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But it did get me thinking. And as debates waged on Twitter where else? And for that, we should say sorry.

Jacobus Arminius

There are women in the Church who stood up and spoke out and now find themselves stuck under a stained glass ceiling. There are women who walk into rooms of clergy and find themselves the only one. There are women who have got on with their calling after having been spat at and shunned.

I am truly sorry. In a story which makes it sound like I spend far more time in middle-of-nowhere Cornwall than I actually do, I was in middle-of-nowhere Cornwall.

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It was January. It was so cold. After six days, silence had been broken and my friend and I sat on her bed, picked up an ear bud each, and for the first time in six days, listened to music…. We lip-synced and danced with all the enthusiasm and joy that bursts forth after a week in simultaneously liberating and torturous silence. It was glorious! Well, they each say something profound about how women are made to apologise in a way which is unjust, is demoralising, and belies their being creations of the almighty God.

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And why have they all collided into the word vomit that is this blog post? Because I have just moved to vicar school. I feel this constant need to apologise for who I am, to say sorry for taking up time and space, for saying my bit. I say sorry for asking questions, sorry whenever I feel inadequate, I apologise just for existing, just for being.